The last two years I’ve posted some thoughts on or around the time of my birthday; you can find them here and here. I turned 33 this week and thought I’d keep up the (inadvertently created) tradition.
Although 32 was a pretty good year all around, I find myself thinking more about the coming year than the past one. After a brief reflection about how much things have changed since this time last year – most notably by being married, I find myself drawn into ruminations about what my next birthday will be like. Next year we’ll have a 9-month old at the time of my birthday. I’m reminded of a quote that I heard while working in daycare – “Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body” (Elizabeth Stone). Next year will not be just me on my birthday. I can make the day about me, I can indulge but there will be a little boy needing something from me on that day, as there will be every day. This year was my last birthday as “just Heather.” I didn’t really make the day all about me although we did indulge a little. We found a really, really good vegetarian restaurant near us, Blue Sage,and had dinner there. It was a little pricier than our usual spots but, ooooooh, it was well worth it!
I kept wondering this week… who will I be next year at this time? What kind of mom will I be? Will I be able to find a balance between nurturing a child and nurturing myself? What kind of wife will I be to my husband? How will my sense of who I am in the world change?
This last two are probably the biggest questions I have but, well, one I’m not going to discuss on a public blog. 
I know that a lot of women struggle when a child is born with adapting their sense of who they are to include “mother” too. So many of my women-friends are strong, well-educated women who are successful in their careers. It’s been comforting to see some of them go through the process of adapting/ rebuilding their sense of self after the baby is born. It makes me feel like I can do it too, which is tremendously reassuring. I know that it’s not going to be easy, especially the first few weeks and months, but I know that it can and will happen. And I’m curious to see what that’ll look like…
