Weird morning

Woke up this morning still tired but unable to sleep.  So I decided to get up, read some blogs, and then figure out what to do.  I settled on was watching TV, well DVDs to be specific.  I actually usually hate watching TV in the morning.  Usually I prefer getting up, being active, getting things done, and THEN being lazy.  I’m just out of oomph today, I guess.  I was going to go running this morning but between the lack of oomph and the fact that it’s wicked humid, I ditched that idea.  I find it much harder to run in the humidity.  It’s going to get less humid and much cooler tomorrow so I think the running will wait until then.

One of the first thoughts that occurred to me this morning… 4 weeks from today I’ll be waking up a married woman.  wow.  My friend Jenny gave me some advice that I’ve been trying to follow lately.  She said that I should remember to take a breath and absorb what’s going on.  I think that’s good advice – even for 4 weeks out.  I’ve done a little of that and found, much to my pleasure, that I’m getting a case of the nerves about the marriage itself.  Now, let me be clear, I have no qualms about marrying Pete; it’s the best decision I’ve made in my life.  However, in the back of my mind I always have the memory of the last marriage and how it ended.  Knowing what I know about the psychological effects of traumas and losses, it makes perfect sense that there would be ripples of my divorce as I approach my next wedding.  The thing that I appreciate is that I’m able to recognize them for what they are and not get stuck in them.  To be honest, I’m also glad they’re there.  Everyone I talk to and everything I read says that it’s normal to have at least a little anxiety/conflicted feelings before a wedding.  For my first wedding I didn’t have any of that; I think I was repressing them.  I was hoping that, this time, I’d have a more “normal” experience and I’m happy to report that I am!  Whaddaya know – all that therapy paid off! 

Reflections on my 31st Year

Today I turned 32.  I don’t know what it is about birthdays but they do tend to make me a little more reflective than usual.  This year, it coincided with a few days off from wedding planning so I actually had more room in my brain for reflection.  It’s been a pretty low-key day.  I had to go to a meeting for work in the morning.  This afternoon I had taken some sick time for a doctor’s appointment I had.  I actually had a mole removed off the back of my neck.  Nothing cancerous or anything – I just wanted to have it removed for the wedding since I’m going to be doing an up-do.  Who knows, maybe this is the beginning of my tumble into plastic surgery! … or not. 

Pete and I went out for Mexican food tonight to celebrate.  While we were talking, I really realized that 31 was a really good year for me.  This year…

• I took up running and had some success with it.  If you’d told me on my 30th birthday that I’d be doing this I’d have told you you were crazy.
• My relationship with Pete has deepened in ways that I never expected.  I can’t even begin to tell you how grateful I am to E-Harmony for matching us.  This marriage is going to be so, so different than my first one.  In the past year, our trust in each other, our communication, our financial management, and lots of other things have really changed/strengthened/deepened.  To give you an example, I’ve always been one to avoid conflict at all cost.  I now know that at the base of that is a deep-seeded fear that any expression of anger will drive away the people I love.  (Ahem, yeah, I know better now.)  The other weekend when Mom and Matt were in town we were walking in the local park.  At one point I stopped to do something, Pete didn’t see me stop so he crashed into me.  He got a snippy/angry; I – thinking he was being unfair for yelling at me for an everyday kind of accident – got snippy back.  And then it was over.  In the past, he would have gotten snippy, I would have gotten my feelings hurt, and I would have sat on that for forever.  Now that I trust him at a much more complete level I know I can yell at him and it’s not going to ruin our relationship.  There still has to be apologizing and everything later but I now understand that a little bit of hoot-and-holler isn’t going to break us.
• In so many parts of my life I’ve stopped feeling like I’m “playing adult” and I’ve started just being one.  This is tied into a stronger sense of self-confidence and self-knowledge, I think.
• Professionally I’ve really discovered the power of networking.  I’ve made friends and professional connections at other agencies across the US.  This has been both enjoyable and tremendously beneficial.  I’m also confident that, should we ever move from PA and I’d have to leave my job, I’d be able to use some of those connections to find my next job. 
• My relationship with my parents has improved.  Every child has to go through a period of breaking away from their parents and forming a sense of myself separate from them – individuation, I think Jung called it.  Usually children/young adults do that during the college years.  Well, I was a little late with mine; it came in my late 20s and very early 30s.  It was filled with the usual angst and anger directed toward them for things that they can’t (or couldn’t) control.  I’m pleased that that stage has passed because I’ve been able to reestablish a more positive relationship with them. 

I’m really excited to see what the next year brings.  I know that there will be a wedding.  Will I be a mom (or be on my way to it) by my 33rd birthday?  What new professional challenges will the year bring?  What areas of growth will I see?  What personal challenges will I face?  What joys will I encounter?  I guess we’ll all just have to wait and see!