Little ‘o this and a little ‘o that

Here we are two days before Christmas.  When I was a kid the excitement would start to really ramp up now.  After all, it’s Christmas Eve Eve!!  I remember some Christmas Eves being so excited for Christmas that I couldn’t even lay still.  I’d be laying there wiggling and giggling in bed – but not getting up because I might scare away Santa!  I’ve been pleasantly surprised by my Christmas spirit this year.  I actually have some!  I’ve been excited about Christmas since after Thanksgiving.  I think part of that is because we’ve drastically reduced the presents were doing this year.  On my side of the family we’re all meeting in CO so that’s our present.  On Pete’s side of the family, we’re buying for immediate family and then making Grandma Carter’s Special Ks (a fun childhood Christmas memory for me) for his aunts, uncles, and cousins.  That’s taken some of the pressure off and has just left me to enjoy Christmas.

I’ve let work take over my life lately a little more than I would like.  Much to my amazement though, my Christmas excitement hasn’t been affected by it.  I’ve been loving listening to Christmas music in the car to and from work.  For my birthday, Pete got  me a wire that allows me to play my iPod through the car radio and it has been wonderful.  It means that I can listen to whatever music or podcast I want to, rather than having to suffer through whatever is on the radio.  This Christmas season my iPod has been full of Christmas music (with maybe a This American Life , Selected Shorts, This I Believe, or Storycorp podcast in between).  So here we are on the cusp of Christmas – presents are almost done, cards are almost done, just have to do some laundry and pack and we’ll be on our way.  I don’t have to go to work again until the New Year, which will be WONDERFUL!!  My brain (and my heart) needs a break.

It seems like it’s been forever since I posted.  Wedding planning has begun!  We are getting married on October 11, 2008.  Woo hoo!  The reception will be at McCoole’s Arts and Events Place in Quakertown and we’re thinking that the wedding will probably be at Richland Friends Meeting, which is just a block or two away.  Actually, it’s kind of cool – we live near the intersection of Broad and Main Streets.  One one corner is our house, on another corner is the place that will do my hair, on the other corner is the photographer we’re probably going to use, and on the 4th corner is the reception site.  In theory, we could walk to all parts of our wedding!!  We actually are seriously considering walking from the ceremony to the reception.  Couldn’t you just see it??  Pete and I all dressed up, leading a small pack of family and friends down the street.  We’ll probably be floating at that point – not walking!   

Solace

She trudges through the deep Colorado snow waddling ever so slightly in her snow shoes.  Hasn’t done this before and feeling like an elephant in tap shoes.  Left, right, left, right, widely spaced.  Fumbling behind those with more energy – more enthusiasm.  She’s weighed down by a heavy heart – the hurt of loss, the loneliness of wanting – no, needing – someone to understand.  She’s tired – it’s hard to manage the hurt all the time.  Christmas brings it bubbling, bubbling up.  Got to stop it before it erupts out like a dam breaking – can’t do that, we’re in public.  But we’re not in public, the four of us.  We’re in the Rockies – mountains dwarfing everything, snow measured in feet not inches, cold measured in layers of clothes not degrees. 

Christmas is a season of joy, of celebration.  Not this time.  It looks like Christmas on the outside but feels empty on the inside, like those horrible blow-up lawn ornaments.  Christmas this year is pulling at the last of her energy – breaking through the thin sheets holding her together.

 Onward they trudge – waddling, hiking.  One brings up the rear.  Two go on ahead to explore.  She can’t.  She just can’t.  It’s too much work just to take the steps and keep from crumbling.  When it gets to be too much she stops in the middle of a clearing.  Tall evergreens overhead, feet of snow under her, her breath condensed on her scarf.  Here it comes – welling up from the snowshoes, chilling the legs warm with exertion… stopping at the pit of her stomach – she almost doubles over.  Up it comes, wrapping around her heart and squeezing across her chest.  Lips pinch together, face tightens trying to hold it in but it doesn’t work.  Here it comes… a sob… and another. 

Then here comes solace.  Daddy – not the Daddy of adult children, the Daddy of childhood – not talking, just doing.  She falls into him – can’t make eye contact but buries her forehead in his chest.  She receives quiet acceptance and a gentle rub on her back.  He’s present without judgment, without fear of her pain, without pity.  She feels like, for a few moments, he’s helping her carry it.  Ah, this is it… this is what she’s been waiting for.  It feels healing – there is a little moment of joy, of comfort swirled in with the pain.  Thank god for daddies.

Pain and joy

I’ve been thinking a lot about pain lately.  I have two friends that are walking through painful divorces in the past 8 months.  Divorces don’t have to be legal processes; they can be emotional ones.  I saw one of the friends a little before Thanksgiving and it brought me right back to 4 years ago when I was walking that path.  The way he carried himself reminded me of me – wanting to be around people but just hurting too much to laugh or smile.  A heavy nothingness settled on my chest – no joy, no satisfaction, no nothing, just heaviness.  It was nice to see regular life going on around me even if I just couldn’t bring myself to participate.  I watched him and felt it all again.

It’s the wildest thing, though.  Feeling that reminded me that healing does happen.  The world is so different than it was 4 years ago.  At times, it didn’t feel like I’d ever pull out of the blackness.  Now I’ve found an amazing fiance thanks to the wonders of the internet and I’m planning a wedding.  Man, what a difference 4 years makes!

The Christmas after my ex and I separated my parents and I went to Colorado to spend the holiday with my brother.  We’re going back to Colorado this year but the entourage is going to include me, Pete, my parents, two aunts, an uncle, and a cousin and her partner.  Oh, and a puppy.  I’ve been thinking a lot about the first Colorado Christmas lately.  (The next post is an echo from that trip.)  I think it’s because of the confluence of remembering the pain of the divorce and the pain of that Christmas.  The thing that’s kind of crazy, though, is I’m just thinking about it… not obsessing, not having my mood affected by it, just rattling it around in my head and letting it go – just like you do with any old memory.  I’m just sorry to see two people I care about going through it too.

On Thanksgiving I learned that the ex has been married for almost a year.  Oddly enough, my only real response was to be happy for him.  (Maybe third time’s a charm!)  I don’t know that I could have done that without Pete in my life but, whatever the reason, it said to me that the divorce has kind of been and gone – faded into the background.  (Hee hee – yes, I do recognize that the fact that there are about to be no less than 2 blog posts on this subject may contradict this some. )  And now I have more room in my brain to focus on the wedding – woo hoo!!  Gowns and invitations and vows, oh my!