Two things happened in my life in the last year or so that have pushed me to think more deeply than I ever have about what love is and what it means to be married. First, my friends asked me to officiate at their wedding, which will be held this October. When they asked I was so deeply, deeply touched and honored that they would entrust to me a role like this in their sacred ceremony. I was also very honored that they chose me since they have a large network of friends and acquaintances. One of my responsibilities is put together a sermon-type thingy and, initially, this is what felt like the biggest challenge, albeit a welcome one. (To avoid the “pastor” implications of the word sermon, I’ll call it a speech for now, although that doesn’t quite seem to do it justice either.) How do I encapsulate in a few paragraphs the nature of J & D, all what is precious in their relationship and thoughts about love and marriage together?
Thinking about the role of the speech has helped me to find some direction. Do I want to share my thoughts about J & D’s relationship as I see it? Yes. It is a joy to watch them together and I think that needs to be celebrated. Do I want to share some thoughts about love and marriage in general? Maybe, if there’s time. Do I want to leave them with a message that will warm their hearts and send them into their marriage with blessings from all who attend their wedding? Definitely. I’ve decided that I want to ask their friends to share with me some thoughts about their marriage that I can fold into the speech. For me, a wedding is the joining of two hearts and lives but it is also the communal blessing of the relationship by friends and family who know and love them. I’d like for what I say during the ceremony to share some of that. Logistically speaking, I know that it needs to be kind of short. The attendees aren’t coming to hear me pontificate on these two people that I hold so dear and their love and life together. They are coming to witness in the legal joining of two hearts and two lives that, in reality, have already been joined – and to have some fun at the party afterwards. 
If you’re reading this blog, you may want to prepare yourself that you may be subjected to more random musings on this topic over the next month or two. I’m finding that this blog is a good place to think out loud a little about things. One of the things I have (re)learned about myself in recent years is that my head tends to be a jumble of thoughts with little rhyme or reason to them. Writing helps me find some order that I didn’t know was there and, 9 times out of 10, it leads me to an insight that I didn’t expect. In my daily life I don’t tend to be nearly as introspective as I am on this blog and I’m really glad to have an outlet for that again.
Second, on December 30th Pete asked me to marry him and I said yes. Since I have been married before, I’ve been thinking a lot about the differences between that relationship and this one. The determination that I’ve come to is that this one is so much deeper, stronger, and more “real” than the other one ever could have been. That’s not the fault of me or my ex, just a statement on the way things were then and who I was at the time. But this deeper understanding of love has been such a pleasure. Everyone knows at one level or another that love means making yourself truly vulnerable to another person. I knew that in my head but it took my heart a lot longer to learn it. For so many years I have been trying to control as much of life around me and within me as I could. This meant that I was a master at being passive aggressive and manipulating people into what I wanted or needed from them. I was also a master a keeping the deep and true core of my heart closed to pretty much everyone. In my mind, letting people in that far meant that they would eventually hurt me. Those were two rough realizations when I had them, let me tell you!! In so many ways, this went against the self-image I had created that I had to go back and evaluate – then reconstruct – this.
One of the things that has pushed me along the path of changing this has been my relationship with Pete. Through loving and being with him, I have learned to let go of some of the things that I needed to control. I have learned that not everything in our relationship needs to go my way. Not every discussion/argument/fight needs to end with me as the victor. Compromising – and here’s the key… truly accepting the compromise – has been an amazing experience. In the past, compromise meant that I agreed to some mutually agreeable outcome but that, inside, I nursed the resentment of feeling like I had been “shafted.” My relationship with Pete has helped me understand that giving up just that little bit of control (because most compromises are really pretty little, if you think about it) can deepen our relationship exponentially. Doing this means that I trust him enough to make myself a little more vulnerable and to find our way together. What I learned is that, by letting people in, I opened myself up to the fact that people could hurt me but I also opened myself up to a deeper connection than I knew was possible. That’s a fair trade-off in my book. To give you an idea of where I was starting from, one of the first biggest compromises I made was where the pots, pans, and dishes would be kept – in the kitchen or in the basement. Yep, I had a hard time letting go of even that. (Although I have to say that the system Pete suggested and we eventually followed has made things easier for both of us.)
The other big thing that I’ve had to realize is that I can’t measure my love and my relationship against the measuring stick of others. Love looks different in each couple and what is right for each couple is different. I know one couple whose relationship is really passionate, even years into the relationship, and I thought there was something wrong because I didn’t love like that. I know another couple whose interests and activities are pretty much identical and I thought there was something wrong because we don’t share all of our interests. The list could go on and on.
It took me a while to realize that I was trying to measure up on a measuring stick that wasn’t built for me. I needed first to determine what was important to me in a relationship. What did I need and want in order to be happy and feel fulfilled? That then is what I had to measure my relationship by. As it turns out, I needed and wanted some things I didn’t expect, such as someone who can be strong enough to take care of me. (Had to get over my feminist shame to admit that one but the reality is that it feels good to be taken care of.) I also had to realize that who I am and who we are together will dictate what we seek in a relationship. Both of us tend to be relatively reserved and even-keeled so our passion looks different than others who both love and fight with different, more obvious passion. Once I figured out what I needed and wanted I was able to look again at my relationship with Pete and realize that it had all of those things. Voila – decision made and future determined! I had to judge my relationship by what was right for me rather than by what I thought society said it should be.
Thinking forward to marriage, I realized that what my relationship is now is not what it will be in 6 months, a year, a decade, or 50 years. The unknown in marriage is what the future will hold, how each of us will change individually, and how we will change together. I understand now that this is where commitment comes in. I’m pretty sure that, however Pete changes in the coming years, he’s still someone that I’m going to want to know and love. After talking with people that have been married for years or decades, I’ve also come to realize there may be times when I don’t like him and I’m not even sure that I love him but that holding on to the commitment that we’re making now will get us through those times. To a one, the people who stuck it out and did not turn to divorce in the tough times eventually found joy on the other side. It may have been a different joy than they expected but it was joy nonetheless.
(Disclaimer: Please know that I am not judging those who chose divorce. I am in no position to do so as an outsider to those relationships and someone who has been divorced myself. Especially when physical violence is done, emotional violence or manipulation is present, or addiction is interfering in the relationship, divorce can be the necessary and right choice. Even when, as in my case, you realize that you didn’t ask the right questions during the courting and engagement process and made the wrong choice of a spouse, divorce can be right. It is not preferred and it is not the first stop in the process of dealing with the issues in a marriage, but sometimes it can be right.)
Okay, I think I’ve rambled long enough. I think the random love and marriage thoughts in my brain at the moment have been given voice. Off to think up some new ones!!
